Now you mourn. You mourn the idea of not having the joys of motherhood. You will never have the joys of feeling movement in your womb. You will never witness your belly grow. You will never have the joy of holding your newborn. You will never have someone depend on you for food and changing. You will never have someone call you Mommy and want you over everyone else. And the pain is there, very vivid, very real. So you mourn alone, you cry and you have your wake, your funeral while you build a monument in the depth of your soul. And this pain is yours and yours alone.

And you wonder if your decision was correct. You have lost all options for at 50 you are not even considered a candidate for adoption of an infant. That camp is closed for good. This is a cry that cannot be explained except by the women that shares the same pain. There has been a demise that no one has recognized. The world continues as if there is nothing wrong. No one realizes there has been a great loss; you are isolated in your grief. No flowers, no condolences, no cards nor apologies. Only you know of this demise. No one else understands or possibly even cares. How do you explain to others that there has been a fatality and no wake, no funeral, no acknowledgement? Your grief is disenfranchised so you wipe your face, and you try to continue as if there is been no loss. You tell yourself, I am intact and all is well….but the pain continues. You are in the depth of pain and dissolution with feelings of disconnection during this season of menopause yet single and childless.

Your mourning will subside. It will get better as mourning always does. But you never forget. Every now and then you go back to the memorial in your heart and you metaphorically bring flowers, kneel at the grave site, you may even shed tears as you remember the loss of never baring children. You still have an opportunity to leave a contribution to the world by finding a vessel to deposit your emotional wealth. Where will you set the ashes of your lost children? You sprinkle the ashes among your nephews, nieces, your friends children and/or men-tees. This will be the greatest way to spread the ashes of your loss. This will be your legacy and it will assist in easing your pain. In every loss there is a chance for creativity.

And you move on. You continue living. Realizing your opportunity is gone forever, in spite of being in menopause, single and childless.

This is an awesome time for us to set new goals and make changes, and/or alter in our mundane lives.  We have become creatures of habit; what changes can we make that will make our lives more intriguing?  Try new things.  There must be a challenge that you have secretly wanted to meet.  What has held you back?  Fear, imagining it’s too late, imagining it ridiculous?  Why not take the chance on a challenge this year.  Challenge yourself to do something out of the ordinary, and make it work!  Isn’t it time you live your life with some adventure.

In setting life goals, this can all change in 2010.  You can be that risk taker, aim high and challenge yourself.  Then immediately find an accountability partner; someone who will hold you to task to meeting that goal.  There is an energy that comes from meeting the challenge.  An excitement to know that this ‘mission’ that you see as unimaginable will become your burning aspiration.  Here are some ideas:  Changing your job or career, going back to school, starting your own business, selling some of your art, songs, crafts, writings, doing a demo CD, writing (articles, blogs, a book), going sky diving, bungy jumping, take an art or photography class, become a volunteer at a nursing home, a mentor at a Boys and Girls Club, go to your local hospital volunteer to sit with cancer patients (adult or children), send letters and packages to soldiers in the service, become technology or social media savvy (get a Facebook/Twitter accounts) and connect with friends/family and other women who share your interests.  Find a cause that you are passionate about and dedicate at least an hour a week to it.

Once you have set your goal/challenge journal your progress.  If you compass your journey you will read back at year end and examine your accomplishments.  This may take some reorganization of priorities.  Spend more time focusing on your dream; this may mean less time watching TV.  Discipline yourself to on task and if you find you are veering off alter your methods and continue to press forward towards setting your life goals.

My mission now is through The BGT sisterhood/weblog to gather other women who meet the prototype and become a resource and networking community.  In this sorority you will find your safe haven and platform where you the SC40+ woman’s voice will heard.

In setting life goals what challenges would you want to meet this coming year?  And how would they improve your life?

Written by: Nilda Perez